


Drabbles

by orphan_account



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-03-07 15:08:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13437405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Just a collection of silly, mostly smutty drabble.





	1. Getting the sound with the picture.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt I once read. Sadly, I can’t, for the life of me, remember where. It goes along the lines of “Lister thinks Rimmer’s hot when he first sees him but then he opens his mouth.” So thank you to the person who came up with this prompt <3

Dave Lister’s stomach dropped when he turned his eyes upon the young man that would become his bunkmate. He might have watched Casablanca one too many times because he was damn sure the movie’s score blasted in his ears. 

God he was beautiful. Devastatingly beautiful, sodding angelic. His name was Arnold. Arnold. It was the most appealing bunch of letters. He felt his heart hammer in his chest when their eyes met. Lister smiled dumbly as he lost himself in a swirl of greens and browns and burnt the memory of that face in his brain. An soft-looking mess of curls, high cheekbones, artfully drawn mouth and sad puppy eyes. He was so absolutely stunning Lister wanted to cry. 

His pale neck looked like it was made to be kissed and bitten gently, everything about his body was long and graceful, designed to be made love to passionately. Lister wanted to drop down to his in knees in front of that divine human being, wax poetics and then, because he was an incorrigible romantic, he wanted to suck his cock dry. 

Lister was in love. He knew he was in love and it would never stop. It was forever. 

Forever lasted a grand total of thirty-two seconds. Then Arnold Rimmer opened his mouth. Smeg. 

Every time Lister thought about his first impression of Rimmer, he laughed at his slightly younger self. Sometimes he’d look at the poor angst ridden bastard and burst into a fit of laughter, which never failed to annoy him as Rimmer just wouldn’t understand what was so hilarious about him. His flared nostrils maybe? 

Still, sharing his quarters with Rimmer had its advantages because the second technician was still a hot piece of game and of course, after a while, Lister found his way into those tight white shorts that Rimmer always pulled up too high. It was perfect. Hot nights of mind-melting sex without having to deal with an actual relationship was great in Lister’s book. 

Sure by day, they could barely even tolerate each other’s presence but once the night came, oh boy, was it on. Rimmer was neurotic, overly stressed and had the queen mother of all daddy issues, which all somehow added to pent up kinkiness and a highly orgasmic mess in bed. 

Sometimes Rimmer would fuck him on his hands and knees, he would make Lister call him “Sir” and “Officer Rimmer” and would boss him about. Lister resigned himself but never without a mocking tone in his voice which would always cause Rimmer to spank him through his body shaking orgasm. “Yeah, man, that’s it just like that you crazy fuck,” Lister would always moan with a dreamy smile plastered on his face. 

They would switch around sometimes. Lister would have Rimmer on his back. Rimmer would come at least three times before Lister would, he would pinch his own nipples while his cock leaked precum all over his flat stomach. Lister always had to put his fingers in Rimmer’s mouth to shut him up and he sort of liked the expression of disgust and shame on Rimmer’s face afterwards.

When they couldn’t decide which one was going to fuck the other, they lied on their sides, entwined, cock pressed together between their stomachs as they fingered each other eagerly. Rimmer would come first of course and then Lister would hump his body to completion.

Lister loved this little arrangement. Rimmer was a frustrating person to spend the day with and he really needed to unwind at night. You couldn’t be sure of many things in life but David Lister knew feelings would never come to make their little affair complicated.

After all they hated each other’s guts.


	2. Rimmer's shirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister notices a little detail.
> 
> Rated T.

Lister boogied his way back from the Copacabana, holding a can of lagger in one hand and a cigarette between his fingers. He was pleasantly wasted but still energized from dancing most of the night with Chen and Petersen. Things were good these days. Even Rimmer was tolerable. In fact, the second technician seemed to go through most of his days sleep walking and concealing stupid smiles, only shaking himself out of it sometimes to bark the odd order.

The merry Scouser frowned when he made it to his surprisingly empty quarters. He closed the door via voice command and inspected Rimmer's empty bunk. If things were normal, he would have found his roommate crafting some elaborate time table.

"Haahaa, I'm sure Rimsy's getting laid," he said out loud, grinning to himself, before emptying his can. Rimmer chose this very moment to enter their quarters.

Lister turned to face him and grinned. Damn, Rimmer really was getting laid. His hair was a mess, his neck was more purple than any other color, there was a tiny little pink bite mark on his cheekbone and he looked well, like he just had his entire life fucked out of him. He was also wearing a giant shirt. Lister's eyes dropped to the name tag on said shirt and burst out with laughter before standing very straight and making a show out of saluting Rimmer.

"Mister Todhunter, Sir!"

"What's gotten into you, you modo?" Rimmer slurred tiredly and made a face at Lister. The Scouser just grinned and took another look at the name tag on Rimmer's shirt. It said Todhunter, because of course, Rimmer had picked up the wrong scrunched up shirt from the floor when his tall, gorgeous officer boyfriend had ordered him to take his adorable backside away so he could get some work done. When Rimmer realized his mistake, the poor sod covered his face with his hands, a little mortified. Lister grinned and threw his arms around him, giving him a fond, playful hug. They both knew Lister would never say a word.

"Remind me to send your boyfriend a thank you card, he's making my life a whole lot easier."

"Shut up Lister, just go to sleep." Rimmer said tiredly, though there was the ghost of a smile on his glowing face.

"Aye aye, Sir!" Lister said cheerfully, before hopping onto his bunk, leaving Rimmer to enjoy the butterflies in his stomach.


	3. The Barbershop Quartet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister is smegged off at Rimmer for being a right little dictator. When a snazzily dressed opportunity to take his revenge presents itself, he decides to take it.

Lister was smegging furious. Love wasn't as blind as they said and he knew full well that his massive goit of a hard light boyfriend wa the one smeghead to rule them all. Still, he found himself more than just a little surprised when things took such an epic turn. 

After Cat and Lister forced their way into the officer's club to check the extent of this disaster, he decided he needed a break to think things over and find a way out of this mess. He was positively fuming as he paced through the corridors, with only his growing frustration to keep him company. 

There were so many Rimmers, pairs after pairs after pairs of endless legs, charming brown curls, broad shoulders and clear hazel eyes. Had Rimmer not been such a nasty little dictator, they could have had so much fun with it.

He was dragged out of his thoughts when he walked into four snazzily dressed Rimmers wearing cute little hats. 

"The cute barbershop quartet!" Lister exclaimed as he watched these four handsome faces beaming at him. 

"Would you like us to entertain you, Sir?" They asked politely in unison. Lister's eyebrow shot up. 

"Shouldn't you be entertaining all the Officers?" He asked, genuinely curious. 

"They got bored and told us to smeg off, Sir. Would you like us to entertain you Sir?" The cutest-quartet-ever asked again. 

Lister smiled as he realised that the Rimmers that Rimmer had printed for entertainment or service purpose weren't much better equipped than blow up dolls in the brain region. His smile broadened. "Follow me boys, I've got a task for you." Lister announced casually as he led the super cute barbershop quartet to the nearest room with a king sized bed. 

\---

It seemed that the Rimmers that had been printed were as fond of Lister as the original Rimmer was. 

All the frustration from earlier was forgotten as he laid on his back, literally covered with Rimmers. 

One of them was sitting with his back against the headboard, letting Lister use one of his long thighs as a pillow as talented fingers massaged his scalp and caressed his curls. 

He had a Rimmer on each side of his quivering body, one of them sucking on his nipple, occasionally stoping to kiss him deeply, while the other was further down, deep throating his swollen cock. 

To top it all, the fourth Rimmer was between his legs, fucking him deliciously slow. 

"Oh smegging hell boys, now that's entertainment," he whispered shakily as he buried his fingers in the silky curls of the Rimmer who was giving him such a fantastic blowjob. 

Lister was enjoying this situation for all it was worth but still, he knew that there was something missing. The fire, the angry brand of passion Rimmer exulted when he shagged him was something no doppelgänger could ever replace. This was a delicious, kinky one time thing.

He stopped thinking as the Rimmer between his legs fucked him closer and closer to a toe curling orgasm, his body arching off the bed as the sensations were heightened by all those gorgeous hands on his sweaty skin. 

He exploded in Rimmer's mouth, gasping and pleading against the soft lips of another Rimmer who kissed him all through his release. It was smegging fantastic and definitely worth a couple fight later on.

\---

"You are without a doubt the most disgusting human being I've ever met Lister." Rimmer yelled at him when Lister came clean about his little affair with the cute barbershop quartet. He frankly wasn't very proud of himself but Rimmer's behaviour had been even smeggier. He grabbed a chair and sat next to Rimmer at the table of their quarters. 

"You cheated on me! I would never have disrespected you like that!"

"Are you for real? You instigated a class system! You made us use a--"

"It's got nothing to do with us! I would never sleep with someone else," Rimmer said grumpily as he looked down at his knees. "You're a sleazy, sexed up goit."

Lister sighed."Okay man. I'll make it up to you. I won't eat ice-cream in bed anymore."

Rimmer looked up warily."Really? For how long?" He asked, unconvinced. 

"I'll never eat ice cream in bed ever again. Or anything that leaves crumbs."

Rimmer shrugged and smiled weakly. "Okay, that sounds good, I guess."

Lister realised that Rimmer was a bit more saddened that he thought he would be. He smiled and moved to sit across his lap, deciding it was really time to properly burry the hatchet. 

"Hey, I really am sorry. But try to put yourself in my shoes here. Four of you just for me. How was I supposed to resist?" He asked, his voice soft and seductive. "So much sexy just for me. I couldn't think clearly."

Rimmer's expression softened as he moved his arms around Lister and swept him into a kiss filled with so much passion that Lister promptly forgot all about the quartet. Or any other Rimmer he had shagged in the past, really.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading.


End file.
